Think back to the last time your partner did something nice for you. Now think about how you reacted to that little act of kindness. Research suggests that people who are grateful—not just by saying a quick “thanks” but also by expressing the gratitude—get more happiness. More importantly, they also tend to feel more connected to others and better about their relationship.
A recent study by Sara Algoe, a psychologist at the University of North Carolina, found that on days when partners reported feeling more grateful for someone’s acts of kindness, they also reported feeling more connected to that person. In other words, what mattered wasn’t how often someone in the relationship did a thoughtful thing—it was how grateful the partner reported feeling about it.
Amie Gordon, a psychologist at the University of California, has also studied how gratitude can affect couples. In her study, she found that the more grateful couples were, the more likely they were to still be in that same relationship nine months later.
Gratitude may be different from simply expressing it. So rather than simply saying “thank you” to the person who held the door open, try focusing on how you feel about the person who did that kind act. “My definition of gratitude,” writes Gordon ,“includes appreciating not just what your partner does, but who they are as a person. You’re not just thankful that your partner took out the trash—you’re thankful that you have a partner who is thoughtful enough to know you hate taking out the trash.”
Research suggests that one of the reasons being grateful feels so good is that it helps start the friendly relationship. In other words, when we start being grateful, we’re more likely to continue to feel positive in the minutes or months ahead. And the people around us probably feel it too.
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